TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely outside of put. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Sure, certain, let's have One more place in which American Adult males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give All people a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from space, a attribute becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is now attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user Trump Tower Damascus @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to determine a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down provider."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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